


He Gives Me Hope

by honeyybeelilac



Category: Hamilton - Miranda, Hamilton - Miranda (Broadway Cast) RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety Attacks, Bisexual Alexander Hamilton, Dead Elizabeth "Eliza" Schuyler, Dead Philip Hamilton, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gay Thomas Jefferson, Happy Ending, Hurt Alexander Hamilton, Hurt Thomas Jefferson, Hurt/Comfort, Jamilton - Freeform, Mentioned James Madison, Modern Era, Multi, Past Alexander Hamilton/Elizabeth "Eliza" Schuyler, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sad and Sweet, Self-Esteem Issues, Separation Anxiety
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-29
Updated: 2020-08-06
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:41:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25589230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/honeyybeelilac/pseuds/honeyybeelilac
Summary: Three years ago, Alexander Hamilton lost his wife and son to a car crash. Ever since, he has been at his worst. He's lonely, angry, and comes bearing a drinking problem. He has PTSD from his past, and is now left traumatised by the cruel event that took his family from him, too. Overall, he's a mess.One year ago, Thomas Jefferson lost his best and longest friend, James, to suicide. He's left scarred and alone with abandonment issues. Thomas too, is a mess.Thomas works at a bar that Alexander frequently visits, and upon several visits, he begins to notice that things aren't going well for the strange man. He approaches Alexander on his night off, and they spark an unexpected friendship that blossoms into more. Something really worth treasuring.
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton/Elizabeth "Eliza" Schuyler, Alexander Hamilton/Thomas Jefferson
Comments: 32
Kudos: 76





	1. Chapter 1

Alexander had sat down at the bar barely an hour ago, and the whiskey was already going straight to his head. He felt that the more he drank, his tolerance would crack more and more. It was a Friday, not that he was bothered, though. Work was the most important thing in his life, that was certain. But turning up to work with a headache or even slightly drunk wasn't something he worried about. He'd done it before and he'd damn well do it again, because he still got the work done. Considering this, it was no one's business to tell him off for it, he decided.

A few years ago, Alexander was in a much better place. A few years ago, he was confident. Confident, funny, he could have a laugh with almost anyone. He was extremely hardworking, because he had more than himself to prove to. But, that was when he had a warmth in his life. Two of his own little suns and stars, his own little gifts from the universe, he thought. When he would get home from the office, they were sat waiting for him, and he had spent the whole day looking forward to that moment. Elizabeth and Philip Hamilton. They were his everything. He finally had family, after years of being some lonely orphan with no one to care for him. The pair had healed most of his wounds, and he never asked them to, but they did it without knowing. Elizabeth, the most beautiful and loving woman he had ever met. The most giving person on the planet. She would be the one who pulled him up from the floor when he was having a panic attack during a storm, she would be the one to take the drink away and replace the bottle with her warm, loving hands, full of reassurance. Philip would show him all the drawings and learning he had done whilst Alexander was away, he would ask, "Pops, why are you crying?", but the tears were always tears of pride and so much love that there was nothing else to do but cry.

Three years ago, his happiness was stripped from him. It was a Friday night, just like this. Only worse, and completely different from this night in every way. He arrived home from the office, as usual, but all the lights in his home were off. When he entered, the house was empty. It was unusual, but Alexander assumed that his little family were perhaps doing some shopping, or visiting Eliza's father; the car was not in the drive, see. Hours passed, and they were still not home. He decided to call, no answer. But then his phone rang twenty minutes later. Just like that, with one phone call, everything changed. They were dead. A drunk driver had swerved into his family and tore them away from him so selfishly and cruelly.

And just like that, he broke. All the wounds they had healed over the years reopened. The nightmares and the panic attacks came flooding back, this time the majority were images of his dead wife and son. They deserved better. It was him who deserved an ending like that, not his precious family. They were flawless beings; full of love, warmth, kindness, it was not right. If he could, he would trade places in an instant.

Alexander had never quite been the same. He drank, he didn't often sleep, he barely ate. His boss, Washington, did all he could to provide support for Hamilton, but it was difficult to help someone who really didn't want the help. Alexander was passed the point of saving now, though. He didn't quite care what happened to himself from here on.

He sat at the same bar he usually went to, eyes red from lack of sleep and crying, but he still didn't care. He did not care that everyone who spotted him gave him a pitiful glance; most of them knew who he was and his story, why he was sat there alone and drunk, but if anyone dared to approach him, he'd snap. He had never been violent when Eliza was around, but there had been a few violent incidents since. If it wasn't for Washington's fondness for him and the pity he took, he would have lost his job by now. It was Lee who got the reprimand, though, he was moved to a different office. Likely for his own safety. He had made a comment about Alexander's dead wife, and Alexander beat him so badly he was taken to hospital. He was alright though, to Hamilton's antipathy. There were a few incidents like this, out of work. Alexander didn't really remember them.

His suit jacket was hanging off his shoulder as he leaned against the bar, his ponytail loose with a few pieces of hair dropping down and into his face. He looked like a very angry, tiny little thing. He jumped when he felt an arm brush against his own, and glanced up with a scowl.

He was met with an attractive face. Dark skin, dark eyes, long unruly hair. The outfit that the man wore was an ugly pink, and it distracted Hamilton from the anger that he felt for the person disturbing his peace and quiet.

"You look like Hell", the stranger commented with an attractive southern drawl that made Alexander shudder, "Can I buy you a drink?"

Alexander opened his mouth to protest, but when he looked down to his glass, he realised it was empty. He was merely clutching an empty glass, and he let go quickly with a frown. He took a moment before nodding quietly, "That would be nice."

"Whiskey, right?" the man purred, ordering two more drinks, one for Alexander and one for himself. Alexander gave him a questioning look as to how he knew that, "You come here multiple times a week. Most of the time, I'm the one who serves you- by the way, I'm offended that you do not recognise me. I like to think that a face like mine is memorable."

Alexander rolls his eyes, but he can't help the slight smirk pulling at his lips. He didn't particularly recognise the face but he didn't deny the fact that he'd expect himself to recognise it, as the man was very attractive. But in all honesty, he rarely looked up whilst he was here. He didn't take notice of people around him, just himself and his drink. "What makes you say that?"

The man actually gasped, looking rather offended now. "Excuse me, I _really_ have to say it aloud?" he folded his arms, and didn't get a response from Alexander, so he added, "Let's be honest. I'm pretty, I know", Alexander pulled a face, "There's nothing wrong with liking my appearance, quit looking at me like that. I was going to compliment you, but seeing as you're being like that I'll shove it up my own ass."

Alexander chuckled quietly, shaking his head. This man was interesting. He seemed like a handful, overly honest, narcissistic and cocky. And a confidence that Alexander wanted to envy, if he wasn't so busy with other problems. Alexander looked up at the tall man, ignoring everything he had just said. "So, you've come to harass me, why?"

This earned him a scoff, and a playful glare. "You're sat here alone. I know you'll end up stumbling out of here at some point, and all the staff here will wonder whether you get home in one piece, or even get home at all. It's your routine, blah blah blah. My point is, you're alone. I was alone, too. I thought, hey, what better way to waste my time than talk to a drunk?"

Alexander's face reddened, with embarrassment of anger, he wasn't so sure. He looked away from the man, focusing on the oak bar that sat in front of him. He hated being pitied. He hated that this man had the cheek to get up and come talk to him, to disturb what should be a peaceful time for him to catch up on his self loathing after a long work day, get home and not remember anything. He hated that this _asshole_ had to inform him that the staff recognised him at this point; that he was pathetic. Any shred of dignity he had left in him shrunk down into nothing.

"Go piss someone else off, man." he mumbled, and the other only laughed. The laugh was loud, but it was attractive. Even the laugh was full of confidence and certainty, of himself. That he had something to be confident about.

"Names Thomas. Thomas Jefferson." he grabbed one of Alexander's hands and shook it, causing Alexander's brows to knit together in frustration. Really, he wanted to be left alone. But he couldn't find it in himself to be the one to get up and walk away.

"Alexander Hamilton", he said quietly in a sense of defeat, pulling his hand back. He took a sip of the fresh drink Thomas had gotten him, before closing his eyes at the way it felt bitter at the back of his throat.

"Tell me, Alexander Hamilton, what brings you here five days a week?" he purred, shuffling on the bar stool to sit closer to Alex.

Alexander watched him carefully from the corner of his eyes, "That's an exaggeration. More like two or three. You're just trying to make me look like I have a problem, or something."

Alexander knew he had a problem. He didn't care. Thomas laughed again, but this time it was more real. Like Alexander had caught him off guard and he hadn't expected for the man to be funny, like it had genuinely made him laugh. "Right, why would I do that? I'm sure you're perfectly fine." he hummed, and Alexander allowed him to see the slight smirk on his face. "Really though. Don't you have a family to get home to?" he asked, pointing to the ring on Alexander's finger.

Alexander's blood ran cold at those words. He stiffened, glancing down to the ring that he wore. He pulled his hand away, shoving it into his pocket. "No."

Thomas' brows knitted together, but he didn't press further. It was clear by Alexander's reaction that something wasn't quite right, so he moved on. "What do you work as?"

Alexander gave him a frustrated look, now. This man wouldn't leave very easily, but Alexander sighed heavily, taking a large gulp of his drink before finishing it. He quickly ordered two more, one for him and one for Thomas, before answering his question. "I'm a lawyer."

Thomas' eyes widened, "You? A lawyer? Damn, I didn't expect that. I thought they were all... sensible. Responsible. Not tiny gremlins with alcohol issues."

Alexander's eyes shot up to meet Thomas' and he sat up straight, _"Tiny?"_ there was a hint of anger in his voice, and Thomas only smirked at the way he tried to make himself look larger. "I am not tiny- what the _fuck_ do you mean by that?"

"Ooh, tiny-angry gremlin, now. I'm so afraid. What, are you going to bite my shins? Call your other midget friends and tackle me?" Thomas grinned now, but his words weren't malicious, he was messing with Alexander. Alexander could tell, but he hated to be mocked. Whether it was for his height or personality, anything. He had worked hard to get the name he got and all the connotations with it, mocking him was a deep insult to his pride.

"I am not a fucking midget. Fuck you, you're just over grown. You're a stupid tall man." he snapped, and there was obvious venom behind these angry and poorly chosen words. Thomas was sure he could do better than that, but perhaps it was the alcohol.

"Once again you have disappointed me." he murmured, shaking his head. Alexander furrowed his brows in confusion and Thomas was quick to point out, "The first time was when I walked in and spotted you at the bar. Didn't expect to see you here tonight, but it's not a surprise. On my night off, how strange of a coincidence is that? Truly the oddest coincidence, right? Like, crazy."

Alexander rose a brow. The way Thomas phrased it was suspicious. He eyed the man suspiciously before he gulped down his drink. Thomas frowned as he watched the liquid disappear in seconds. He looked down at his unfinished drink, raising a brow.

"You know, because I'm sat with you, someone will expect me to carry you out of here when you inevitably pass out." he hummed, a look of amusement in his eyes contrasting the stern and unimpressed tone his voice spoke in. "Not that it's much of a problem. I was going to ask if you wanted to come back to my place anyway, but obviously if you pass out, that'll put a dent in my proposition."

Alexander was taken aback by the forwardness of this man, that confidence was striking yet again. His cheeks heated up, as it had been a very long time since he had even kissed another, yet had any sort of sexual encounter with them. He felt guilty at the idea. Thomas noticed the blushing cheeks and smirked, though the smirk faltered when he seemed to be able to read more into Alexander's distant expression. After a brief silence, Thomas spoke again, "Perhaps I could just walk you home."

Alexander sighed, pursing his lips, "I am a grown man, thank you."

Thomas laughed and rolled his eyes, "Yeah, sure. _Grown_. I don't doubt that you will get home, apparently you always do, considering you're sat here again. But, for me? Let me walk you home for my own sake. I don't think I'd be able to sleep tonight unless I know that you got home safely."

Alexander wanted to continue to refuse, to tell this man to piss off because he was grown and sure as hell did not need his help or his pity, or whatever the hell this was. He grumbled, folding his arms, "Fine."

Thomas grinned now, drinking the rest of his drink, "Great."

* * *

Alexander allowed Thomas to guide him home, as promised. It wasn't something he liked, but at least he wasn't alone. The walks home weren't particularly pleasant. He missed walking with his family, staying close and warm to them. He recalled how, when Philip was barely one years old, Eliza would hold him to her chest to keep him warm, and Alexander would drape his jacket around her shoulders and pull her close. He recalled the way she would giggle at these actions and lean in for a kiss, telling him how loved he was. Thinking about this only made him feel empty and cold.

He shivered at the cold, and when he did so, Thomas peeled off his jacket and draped it wordlessly around Alexander's shoulders. Alexander froze, and Thomas almost bumped into him when the other suddenly stopped walking. Alexander looked up at Thomas with big eyes; they were sad, almost teary. Shocked and disbelieving. For a moment he thought Thomas could read minds and saw this memory and wanted to comfort him, but as far as Alexander knew, that wasn't possible.

"What's wrong?" Thomas asked. There was no hint of amusement or teasing at the sudden look on Alexander's face. He didn't laugh at the hurt or the pain he could see, and Alexander felt his chest tighten.

"Nothing. Thank you." the gratefulness was obvious in his tone, and Thomas only nodded with an uncomfortable smile.

"You know how ridiculous this is? A grown man walking another grown man home from a bar? You're drunk too- you should be walked home, too." Alexander hummed, feeling himself smirk slightly at his own words. His mood had been lightened by Thomas' actions, and Thomas laughed softly.

"Hey, I can walk in a straight line", he teased, but his smile faltered. Alexander rose a brow, but Thomas continued, "You might fall into a pothole and God knows you're too small to climb out."

Alexander lightly punched Thomas' arm, readjusting the jacket as it slipped off his shoulders slightly. This time he didn't feel anger at the teasing, nor did it make him feel belittled and stupid. He wasn't sure why, instead he tugged the jacket closer to himself to keep warm. "Liar."

There was no anger behind Alexander's words, and the pair laughed as they walked, in a comfortable silence for a while, until Thomas spoke. "Alex, you remind me of a friend of mine. A close friend, my best friend. That's why I had to come and talk to you tonight."

Alexander looked up at him, unsure of what really to say. The words were abrupt, Alexander hadn't pried at him. But Thomas didn't look very pleased. He looked away, at the other side of the street, his lips turned downwards.

"Is that a bad thing? Because you say it like it is." he hummed, unsure as to whether he should be offended or not just yet. Thomas looked back at him after a moment, and his lips twitched into a smile before falling back down.

Quietly, he shook his head. Alexander thought that was the end of the conversation for a moment, but when Thomas began to speak again, he confirmed that it wasn't over, "He died about a year ago. He killed himself. I just see some of him in you. He was uh... he drank a lot, too."

Alexander chewed at his lip, quite honestly shocked now. He hadn't expected that, in the slightest. "I'm not going to-"

"I didn't say that. But..." he paused with a sigh, closing his eyes a moment. "I can't bear to watch you sit and drink all night when you come in. You're alone. And James, he felt like he was alone. He wasn't, he had me. It just wasn't enough to save him. But you- you're alone. I'm not allowing it."

Alexander's mouth fell open slightly, and he searched for words, but he couldn't find any. He wanted to protest and tell Thomas that really, he wouldn't do something like that. After moving to America and becoming a lawyer, using everything and doing everything he could to move up the ladder, let his name be known and get to where he was today, suicide was not an option for him. It was an option he had considered when he first lost his wife and son, but now, he knew he couldn't. If Eliza knew, she'd kill him herself. But also, he couldn't just let go so easily.

No matter what, Alexander couldn't seem to just die. He couldn't seem to find that easy way out. He had almost died when he was 12, but he didn't. He lost his mother to the same sickness that got him, but even so, he didn't die. When he was 17, he could have died. A hurricane destroyed everything he knew and loved, but not him. And suicide, after all of this, was too easy. He just couldn't do it. No matter how much he wanted to die and be done with it all, his body continued to run and fight.

"I'm sorry for your loss." he finally answered, deciding not to fight it, instead allow this man the comfort. Thomas shrugged quietly, and Alexander was reminded of the moment they shared in the bar, where Thomas asked about a family to go home to. Alexander took a deep breath, absentmindedly fumbling with the ring on his finger. The ring that held empty promises, because they were gone.

"They were killed", he started, looking down at the ring on his finger. Thomas seemed to have looked confused at first, as Alexander didn't clarify who the hell he was going on about, but when he spotted the ring again, it clicked. "Her name was Eliza. She was the most wonderful person. And my son, Philip. God, he was my everything, too. They were driving back home and a drunk man lost control of his own damn wheel. He hit them, and they didn't make it."

Thomas frowned and was quiet. He was seemingly in thought, possibly wondering what to say to that. Alexander felt bad, but he felt worse for talking about it. It was something he hated to do. Talking about his family and his emotions made him feel vulnerable. He felt as though it was all something people could use against him, like Lee had done. But Thomas didn't do that.

Alexander blinked at the large, warm hand that clasped his own. He couldn't see the painful reminder that was his wedding ring anymore, his hand was enveloped in Thomas' own. He looked up at Thomas, who was already watching him. They continued to walk in comforting silence.

* * *

"I believe this is your stop, then?" he hummed as they stopped in front of Alexander's address. Alexander nodded slowly, finally taking his hand away from Thomas' and handing him the jacket.

"Yeah. Thanks." he said awkwardly, stepping back and towards his driveway. It lay empty, he hadn't bothered replacing the car, and he didn't want to see a new one there. It felt stupid to do so. If he couldn't have his family, why the hell would he replace the car he lost them in?

The lights inside, as usual, were off, leaving the house looking uninviting and abandoned. It made Alexander feel a terrible pain in his chest, because his wife and son should be in there lighting it up.

"I suppose I'll be seeing you in the bar tomorrow night?" Thomas asked, without a hint of amusement. It was more like exasperation. Alexander supposed that it was possibly because of that friend, James. Possibly it was because Thomas was reliving a nightmare that was losing his best friend.

Alexander was thoughtful, eyes calculating as they watched Thomas. "No, I think I'll stick to coffee for tomorrow." At this, Thomas' eyes seemed to light up, and the pair actually laughed.

"Really?" he grinned at Alexander, before shrugging softly, "Maybe I could join you for that coffee."

Alexander smiled, shrugging playfully as though he was not bothered. Thomas flipped him off before Alex found himself laughing again. "Yeah. I'd like that."

"Alright", Thomas hummed, before he handed Alexander his phone. Alexander flashed him a confused look. "Put your number in and text me where and when, dumbass."

"Oh", Alexander laughed, taking the phone before he did so, adding himself as a contact. He then grinned at Thomas, who chuckled softly.

Thomas motioned for Alexander to hold still, and Alexander gave him another confused look before he heard the click of a camera. Thomas showed him, he was taking a photo of Alex to put as the contact photo. "There. How pretty. I'll see you tomorrow, Alex."

Alexander's stomach turned at the nickname and compliment, but he smiled and nodded nonetheless. "See you."

Once Alexander was inside, he had lost any sense of cheerfulness that he once had. The photos on the wall reminded him of all he had lost, the empty hallways and Philip's untouched bedroom tore him apart. Eliza's nightstand with all her things, left the way they were before she left him, made him crumble.

Like usual, he didn't go to bed. He stayed in his office, away from all that haunted him. He pulled out his laptop and worked on some pieces he had to complete for work, though it was hard when the silence was screaming down his ears. He let out a choked sob, slamming the laptop shut as he reached for another bottle of God knows what. The taste revealed that it was wine, and before he could sit back down on the seat at his desk, his legs gave in and he wound up in a sobbing, messy, drunken heap on the ground. His body ached, just waiting for Eliza to come and pull him up like she used to, but when he never heard her call his name or feel the touch of her delicate hands on his shoulders, he just continued to sob, until he either passed out or fell asleep there- he wasn't so sure, but he didn't have it in him to care.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i recently made a tumblr, fuck knows how to use it though. was thinking of posting shorter pieces on there and such. it's honeybeelilac  
> idk
> 
> thank you for reading
> 
> also it isn't a one chapter thing but i don't know how to change the chapter number that it shows. sorry.
> 
> more importantly, i wanted to say that i'm sorry if anyone finds any aspects of this upsetting. i do not mean to upset anyone.  
> for me, writing helps. i like to think that these characters have some form of safety net or medical attention for their problems, but i do not have that, so for me, writing is my safety net. for me, writing is what gets me through my nightmares, panic attacks, and so on, so please don't think i'm trying to upset anyone. that's the last thing i want to do here.


	2. Chapter 2

Alexander woke up with a throbbing headache. He sat up slowly, his entire body aching from having slept on the office floor in an awkward ball. He winced as he stood, yanking the curtains closed with a grumble to avoid the bright light outside.

He sat back in his desk chair, closing his eyes silently. He hated waking this way, but there were other ways to wake that were worse, in his opinion. At least this way he wasn't helpless in the midst of an episode of any sorts that followed up a nightmare.

He jumped slightly when his phone began to buzz, and he curiously peered down at the text message. 'Hey it's Thomas. You didn't give me your number, you dumb midget. Still up for that coffee?'

A strange feeling began to rise in Alexander's chest and he couldn't quite place what it was, or what it meant. But it was a good feeling. Strange and new but good. He supposed that it was possibly just a hint of cheerfulness in the midst how shit he was feeling right now.

He stood, stumbling slightly, unsure whether he was still drunk or just foggy from sleep, pushing himself along the wall as he left his office and responded to Thomas simultaneously, not paying much attention to how he typed. What was supposed to be 'Yeah how about 11 at Illumine Coffee Shop?' read more as 'yeaj 11 illumn coffww', but he didn't quite care to correct it. He was sure Thomas would get the message.

He got into the shower, scrubbing roughly at himself in hopes of scrubbing away all the events of last night and this morning off of himself. He hoped that it would wipe the slate clean, of all his mistakes and everything he could have done better in life; he should have told Eliza how beautiful she was every single day, like he wanted to. Words failed him in that sense. He should have told Philip how loved he was by the world, how he would take a bullet for that boy in a heartbeat.

The more he thought of them, the more it hurt. People told him that the more time that passed, the less it would hurt, that he would heal with time. It was all bullshit, though. He was left alone with nothing but the past to dwell on, and it all made it so much worse. The more time that passed the worse it all got.

He got out the shower after far too long, the skin on his fingers were feeling a little dry after spending too long in the water. He dried off and stared at his reflection for a moment or two, beginning to shiver from the cold temperature of his bathroom. Even though he'd slept through the night, he still looked like shit. All the exhaustion, mentally as supposed to physically, shone through as though his skin was just glass. It was clear by his expression and by the creases between his brows where he'd been furrowing them far too much. The deep circles beneath his eyes and his pale lips, not to mention his dull skin. He looked rather sickly. He thought back to the photos in the hallway, of him and his family. He seemed to glow when he was with them. He was full of youth and colour, and now, he was the opposite.

He got dressed quietly and tied his hair back before he finally left the bathroom. He had spent far too long in there, but the more time he wasted, the better.

'What the fuck are you pissed again' he had received from Thomas. As he read the text, he felt himself exhale a soft laugh. His eyes crinkled at the ends from the smile it brought.

'No, I wasn't looking. are you?'

A few minutes later he got, 'Shut it you cheeky son of a bitch'

Alexander heard himself laugh again, a sound that filled the empty room rather nicely. He closed his eyes, sitting down on the couch in the living room. For a moment, his chest filled with a mix of pain and happiness as he recalled sitting here so many times and hearing the sounds of his sons laughter, a sound that filled his chest with so much warmth and happiness he thought he could die. He would listen to his beautiful wife teach Philip the piano, listen to the way they sang together. He wished he could hear it one last time.

The piano was something he enjoyed, too. But he couldn't find himself enjoying it the same way now that it was tainted with happy memories that had turned into sad ones that haunted him now.

By the time 11 rolled round, Alexander was already out the door. He had decided to take a walk at 10, and so he was right on time to meet Thomas for their coffee.

"You clean up well", Thomas said softly, his voice full of amusement.

Alexander didn't feel the need to become defensive and take it to heart, or fire a heated insult at Thomas. But, if it was anyone else, he probably would. "Thanks. I'd say the same to you, but that colour is hideous. So I won't."

Thomas smirked and feigned an offended expression, crossing one leg over the other as he sat. He sat with a grace, even when he was sitting, he looked like he owned the damn room. It was striking, to Alexander, who had worked so hard his whole life just to have some purpose, meanwhile this man in front of him easily fit in anywhere he wanted.

"Magenta screams elegant. You know what _you're_ wearing? You know what black screams?" he leaned forward now as Alexander finally sat down opposite him, shuffling to get comfortable before finally settling. His cheeks felt hot as he looked up at Thomas, who was leaning so close to him that he could feel the heat radiating off the other.

"What?" he asked, folding his arms. "The epitome of fashion? Black goes with everything."

Thomas grinned, as though Alexander had walked right into his trap. With a shake of his head, he happily spoke, "Emo."

"Oh shut up! I am thirty, I do not look emo. Emo is for teenagers", he rolled his eyes, biting his lip to hide the grin, "At least I'm not out here looking as though I was dressed by a little kid. What is with you and pinks?"

Thomas laughed softly and Alexander's chest felt warm. " _Magenta_ , my dear. I thought lawyers actually knew stuff?"

"Shut up. We know important stuff. Anyway, I need coffee, what are you having?" he asked, grabbing his wallet and moving to get up, before he felt a hand gently wrap around his wrist. He looked down at it in bewilderment, and watched as Thomas shook his head, pulling him to stay sat.

"Let me get it", he spoke softly, adjusting that ugly 'magenta' (Alexander swore that any colour that ugly didn't deserve a name) suit jacket before he stood. "Let me guess, you drink a black coffee?"

His tone was teasing, and it made Alexander fold his arms in a defensive way. He almost pouted, furrowing his brows together. " _No_ ", he huffed, thinking for a moment. "Uh. Latte."

Thomas looked surprised, but he shrugged either way and went to get their coffees. When he arrived, he set a monstrosity down on the table, as well as the latte.

Alexander shook his head, eyeing the cup suspiciously. It was a clear glass, with an odd coffee-like substance, though it looked... cold. It had ice in it. It was topped with cream, and colourful things. Alexander thought it a crime. He didn't trust it.

"What in the fresh hell is _that?"_ he asked as he accepted the latte with a quiet thank you.

Thomas frowned, sitting back down before he pulled his glass closer to him, protectively. "A vanilla caramel iced frappe. You really have no taste, sir."

Alexander pulled a face, shaking his head. "I bet your dentist hates you."

"I bet everyone hates you, but you don't see me whining. Drink your latte, you're being a bitch." there was no malice in the way he spoke, instead offering Alexander a highly amused grin, sipping his offensive choice of drink.

Alexander did as he was told, sipping the coffee. Usually, he would go with a black coffee, but he didn't want Thomas to have the satisfaction of guessing him right. So he put up with the latte, trying to maintain the faces of disgust he wanted to pull. Thomas was eyeing him, and so Alexander simply set it down and straightened up defensively.

"What now?" he huffed, flashing Thomas a look of annoyance that was only met with a grin.

"I didn't say anything!" Thomas hummed, but his smirk confirmed that he was about to say something that would piss Alexander off, "You uh, you enjoying that latte, huh?"

Alexander blinked at Thomas with the straightest face he could muster, "Yes. Yes I am."

"Drink it, then." Thomas said slyly, grinning widely.

"You damn asshole." Alexander scowled, picking up the mug. He hesitantly put it to his lips, taking a long sip before setting it back down. "Will that satisfy your need to be a prick?"

Thomas laughed loudly, and Alexander felt himself let out a breath of laughter, too. Thomas shook his head softly, "So, I take it you _do_ drink black coffee?"

Alexander mumbled a quiet 'yeah' as he folded his arms, though a grin was still on his lips. Thomas laughed softly once more, shaking his head.

"Black coffee coming right up." he mumbled, picking up the latte before he headed back to the counter.

Alexander felt bad, and he quickly reached up for Thomas to stop him, but it was too late. Thomas arrived back with a black coffee, and a grin. He didn't look bothered at all by Alexander's coffee change, though Alex had expected Thomas to have been somewhat annoyed by it, considering he was paying.

He brushed off Alexander's frantic mumbles of apologies, setting the coffee down in front of him with a pleased smile. "Don't be. Enjoy the coffee."

Alexander smiled back, nodding softly. "Thank you", he hummed, sipping the coffee. It was a significant difference, it was beautiful. He practically moaned at the taste, and Thomas rolled his eyes, sipping his own drink with reddened cheeks that Alex would have questioned if he wasn't in such caffeine bliss right now. The pair were quiet for a few moments as they sat and enjoyed their drinks, but Thomas had an odd look in his eyes. He was watching Hamilton, as though he were some creature recently discovered, and he knew nothing about him.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" Alexander finally asked, shuffling under the scrutiny of the eyes.

Thomas shrugged softly, setting his glass down. "You're just interesting." he offered plainly.

"Sorry, what now?" Alexander asked with a laugh. "I'm just drinking coffee, Thomas."

"I don't mean like... _right now._ I just mean, you have this constant expression, like you're keeping a huge secret. You look like you're constantly holding back from something. Are you a spy? Assassin?" he asked teasingly, and Alexander chuckled.

"I'm not, but that would be cool", he said with a grin that was returned, "I'm not hiding anything."

"Alright. Suspicious, but alright." he mumbled, smirking to himself.

"Oh my god, how is that suspicious? What on earth would I be hiding? We're drinking coffee!" Alexander huffed, his eyes crinkling at the ends once more as he laughed.

"I don't know. I mean, you're just... full of secrets, right? Or not secrets, but... you don't say much. You don't like to give anything away, but I can tell that there are things constantly playing on your mind. It's odd. You strike me as someone who is loud and speaks their mind, yet when it comes to _you_ , you're the opposite of that."

Alexander furrowed his brows, frowning slightly, "What makes you say that?" he asked, though he didn't deny the accusation. Alexander was someone who didn't shut up, when it came to political issues in work. But, things constantly played on his mind that he didn't voice out. Deadlines and work stress, sometimes someone had a face he wanted to punch for no reason. Sometimes, for no reason again, he would be jumpy and afraid. He felt pathetic most of the time, as he would be reminded of his past traumas at the worst of times. He'd think about his hometown and the way it was devastated. The feeling of death all around him. His mothers cold hands in his own, the sight of his wife pale, his son limp in his arms. All ice cold, leaving him alone on this world. It was constantly on his mind. Except for right now.

Now, he was sat with Thomas, and all he could think about was... nothing. He felt oddly at peace in this moment. He could feel Thomas' warmth, and he even felt warm himself. It wasn't entirely numb or painful, it was just warm.

"Because I've seen it before, Alexander", Thomas sighed, and he sounded tired now. Alexander frowned, but he was quiet, silently pressing for Thomas to make his words more clear. "James had this look in his eyes, all the time. He sounded fine, but when you really looked, you could see he wasn't."

Alexander watched Thomas thoughtfully. He wasn't sure what to say to this. He could tell that it wasn't quite easy for Thomas to talk about this, but he really wasn't sure what to say. He had never been so good at providing comfort for people. He bit his lip as the anxious thought hit him, that Thomas was around him because he reminded him of James. Perhaps it was guilt that made Thomas want to be around Alexander; because maybe part of him blamed himself for letting James do it. He wanted to fix his mistakes with Alexander. He felt bitter at this idea.

Alexander brushed the thoughts away, clearing his throat. Thomas looked up at him now, and the pain was evident in his eyes. As quickly as it appeared, it disappeared, and his expression became forcefully straight and passive. Alexander frowned again.

"You know, I'm not going to do that. Unfortunately for you Thomas, I'm not that easy to get rid of." he said softly, and Thomas smiled slightly.

"I hope not." he said quietly, looking away from Alexander and down at his hands.

"Do you blame yourself?" Alexander asked suddenly. He hadn't meant to, and for a moment he thought he had crossed the line, as Thomas let out a shaky breath, his face scrunching up. He didn't have to answer. "It's not your fault."

Thomas looked amused, for all the wrong reasons. Like Alexander was stupid for saying that, or just a liar. "Alexander, I _knew_ he was struggling-"

"Thomas, don't. You knew, and you did what you could. Am I right? You know, you can't fix people. I'm sure you did everything you could, Thomas. He was lucky to have someone like you, because not everyone does. It's not your fault. It's not something you have control over. It was his choice, as harsh as it sounds. It wasn't yours, and no matter how often you were there, you couldn't stop it."

He felt guilty, his words were too honest sounding. They sounded harsh. He was sure they didn't really offer anything to help, but when Thomas' eyes found his own again, he felt better. When he felt the hand clasp his own, he felt better. He felt better when he realised that Thomas did, too.

He looked down at their hands, and he gently wrapped his fingers around Thomas' own. He ignored the size difference. Thomas' hands were huge compared to his own. But, Thomas was ridiculously tall, and he was rather short. It wasn't surprising.

"Thank you, Alex", Thomas said quietly, his voice unsteady. "Sorry, this was fun earlier." he laughed bitterly, and Alexander smiled.

"Still is." he hummed, squeezing his hand softly, "you know, you're fun. A pain in my ass, but fun."

"Oh, _I'm_ a pain in _your_ ass?" Thomas grinned, shaking his head as a tear slipped past his eyelashes, falling slowly down his cheek. He wiped it away quickly, masking it with a laugh, but Alexander knew better.

"Damn right you are, you shit." Alexander spoke with nothing but fondness in his voice, and he scooted a little closer, laughing quietly.

"Funny, I could say the same about you", he hummed, his own voice equally fond, and his head tilted as he smiled at Alexander. Alexander felt that warmth in his chest. It felt so familiar, but he hadn't felt it in years, and so in the same sense it was completely strange. He hadn't felt it since that morning he had said goodbye unknowingly for the last time to his wife and son.

Thomas seemed to have sensed that something was off with Alexander. He saw the way Alexander's smile had faltered and his breath caught in his throat, but he didn't comment on it, and Alexander was grateful. Instead, he spoke quick, to pull Alexander away from his dangerous thoughts and memories.

"You know, I think green would be a good colour on you", Thomas said thoughtfully, tilting his head once more like a damn puppy. Alexander could have melted. "They'd compliment your eyes. And your skin. You'd look less emo, too."

Alexander looked away as his cheeks felt hot again, and he let out a rather nervous laugh. He wasn't sure whether Thomas was flirting or not, but his knees felt weak. "Think so?"

"Actually, I'm confident enough to say that I know so. Never been wrong in my life." Thomas said with a laugh, and Alexander laughed softly too.

"You're so narcissistic it makes me sick."

"Oh shut up, you love it." Thomas winked, and Alexander's stomach turned so violently he felt a little sick.

"Asshole."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alex is a mood


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a warning, alexander has a nightmare that leads to a panic attack. please don't read if this could trigger anything. it fucked me up writing it so it's not edited sorry. 
> 
> thanks

_Alexander closed his laptop, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips. The sound of muffled giggles filled his ears, and he chuckled to himself as he simply listened to the growing patter of footsteps that approached the door to his office._

_There was a gentle knock before Alexander opened his eyes, and a flash of brown curls flew at him. He gave an 'oof' sound as Philip launched himself into Alexander's arms with a loud, menacing giggle, and Alexander laughed loudly, catching him effectively. From the doorway, he heard Eliza laugh, and his heart stopped at the beautiful sound. He glanced up, and there she was, glowing. He stood, taking off his glasses before Philip sneakily grabbed them and put them on himself. They sat crookedly on his tiny, freckled face, but he was pleased with himself; he wanted to be just like his father. He walked toward his wife, son on his hip, leaning in for a loving kiss._

_"Take a break, love", she said softly, brushing a hand through the hairs that had fallen into Alexander's eyes. "There's tea on the table."_

_Alexander grinned as Philip beamed up at his parents, and Alex just looked between the two for a moment. He was more of a coffee man, always had been. But, he'd accept anything his wife offered him. He was rather distracted, gazing at the two proudly, disbelief and unconditional love taking over his mind and thoughts._

_After everything he had achieved in this life, this was by far what he as proudest of. Without a doubt; Eliza and Philip were the two most important things to him. He would give it all up if they asked._

_"Alexander?" she asked softly, a brow risen in question at his long silence. When he blinked at her, pulling himself from his thoughts, he realised his eyes were watery. He blinked it all away, and Eliza planted the most delicate kiss to his cheek._

_"Tea sounds lovely." he finally answered, and laughed as Philip squirmed to get out of his arms. He set his son down on the ground before Philip bounded through to the living room. He was left with Eliza, and immediately wrapped his arms around her waist. He grinned, one hand stroking her side softly. She laughed quietly, taking a hold of the hand on her side, kissing it softly._

_"Tea is going cold, Alex." there was that nickname that made him melt, and he grinned, shrugging._

_"I just want to stay like this a moment. With my beautiful wife." he hummed, pulling her closer to him, earning a small laugh. She grinned rather cheekily at him._

_"Beautiful?" her voice was small, and her eyes shone happily._

_"God, yes. You're so beautiful. Every part of you." He whispered, and she laughed warmly, kissing him gently. He closed his eyes, leaning into the kiss with a pleased hum._

_They stayed that way for a long moment, just taking in each other, and forgetting the world around them. There was some alarming noise, like a toy breaking, but Alexander ignored it for that moment. Philip was a handful. Right now, he wanted to spend another moment or two holding Eliza, he would fix the toy later._

_When he opened his eyes, she was gone. He blinked slowly, but everything was different now. It was silent throughout the house, and somehow, the glow it once had was gone. In comparison to before, he felt as though he was in black and white._

_"Eliza?" he called out, stepping out of the doorway. He was deeply confused, she had been right there one moment ago, in his arms. He didn't understand how she could be gone so quickly._

_"Philip?" he called, but was greeted with nothing. His stomach sank. He rushed through the house, checking the kitchen, the dining room- nothing. There was no sign of his family. He called their names desperately, panic racing through him._

_He rushed to Philip's room, the door was ajar. He pushed it open fully and ran in, but what he saw made his heart sink down to his stomach. He gulped, his mouth dry._

_He was suddenly in a hospital room. There were two beds; one for his wife, one for his son. They were in them._

_"E-Elizabeth?" his voice was hoarse and it cracked with worry, tears pricking at his eyes, "What-what's happening?"_

_"Mr. Hamilton?" his head snapped to the side to the voice, where the doctor greeted him. He didn't look as though he were about to give Hamilton particularly good news. He looked deeply apologetic._

_"No", Alexander whispered, rushing to his wife's side. He grabbed her hand, but it was cold. And wet. He looked down, and it was bloody. "No." he said more firmly, cupping her cheeks now as he let tears fall. He turned to Philip, who had never been so still in his life. He took his tiny, lifeless hand, and he felt himself break._

_"Mr. Hamilton, I am sorry. But they are-"_

Alexander shot up, breathless. He glanced around frantically before realising where he was. He shot up out of his desk chair, heart racing. He sobbed, but it came out as a strangled sound, and all of a sudden he realised he couldn't breathe. He rushed to the bathroom, splashing cool water all over his face- but it didn't help. He felt sick.

Almost two hours later, he could breathe again. He was curled up beside the toilet, having thrown up. He pulled his knees to his chest, hugging himself tightly as he felt drained and exhausted from the panic attack and the terrible nightmare that suffocated him. He wasn't quite sure how long he could continue to live like this.

It was that thought that alarmed him. That was when he took his phone from his back pocket. It was 5 in the morning. Still, he wasn't sure what else to do. And so he rang Thomas.

After a few rings, he heard a voice, and his chest tightened. "Hello? Alex?"

Alexander bit his lip at the nickname, taking a moment to steady himself and his shaky breaths before he spoke as steadily as he could, "T-Thomas. I'm sorry. I just needed to talk. I- sorry, this is so _stupid,_ I didn't mean to-"

"Hey, calm down. Should I come over?" Thomas' voice was soft despite having just been woken up. Alexander was glad that he wasn't mad at him, and he let out a sigh of relief. When he didn't answer, Thomas spoke again, "Give me twenty minutes and I'll be there."

Just as promised, Thomas arrived twenty minutes later. Alexander opened the door, a shaking mess. Thomas frowned, but he stepped inside and pulled Alexander into the tightest hug he could.

It had been a long time since Alexander had received a hug. He began to sob again, immediately clutching onto Thomas' pyjama shirt. "I'm-I'm sorry."

"No, you don't need to be. Don't apologise. Alexander, this is not something you should apologise for." he hummed, rubbing Alexander's back soothingly. "Go sit down, take deep breaths, count to ten. I'll get you a glass of water. Sound good?"

Alexander nodded, reluctantly pulling away from Thomas' hold. He moved to the living room, where he sat down on the couch, biting his lip harshly. He tried to control his breathing, but it was hard. Once he could hear Thomas move around in the kitchen, he began to relax. It wasn't deathly silent, and he knew Thomas was there with him. He was so exposed and vulnerable, he felt ridiculous for all of this, but he was safe. Thomas wasn't laughing at him. He wouldn't do that.

Alexander jumped when he felt the couch dip beside him and he finally opened his eyes, looking over at Thomas. Thomas looked sleepy, and he felt bad. He was handed the water, and hadn't realised how much he needed it until he began to drink it.

"Thank you", he said softly, his breath coming out a little wheezy after the attack.

"Anytime. Really, it's nothing." Thomas smiled, and Alexander thought for a moment that maybe he was so easy with this because he'd done it before, with James. But he wasn't sure, and he didn't want to ask. It was the wrong time to bring bad memories up for Thomas, too.

"So, do you want to talk about it?" Thomas asked softly. Alexander didn't respond, he wasn't quite sure what to say. He didn't want to think about it again. "It's okay if you don't. We could watch a movie instead."

Alexander smiled at that, and he nodded. "That would be great."

Without a second thought, Thomas turned on the tv. He rose a brow, "You don't even have Netflix?"

Alexander shrugged softly. "I don't watch much tv anymore."

Thomas watched him for a moment before he pulled the blanket from the back of the couch, draping it over the two of them. He logged into his own Netflix, and put on a random tv show.

"Really? Real Housewives? First of all, that isn't a film." Alexander laughed softly, surprising himself as he did so. Thomas looked over, feigning confusion before he broke into a laugh, too.

"Don't tell anyone, but it's my guilty pleasure", he said with a laugh, moving a little closer to Alexander, who slowly rested his head against Thomas' arm. Alexander didn't see the flush on Thomas' cheeks.

"You're ridiculous." he hummed, his voice full of exhaustion, but he wanted to stay awake. He wanted to never sleep again, he didn't want to be vulnerable to another memory. He wanted to stay awake here, with Thomas. Watch stupid television and hear Thomas' laugh, watch him get way too into the series.

A few episodes in, Alexander was feeling better. He was comfortable, exhausted sure, but he was okay. He glanced up at Thomas, who noticed and looked down from the corner of his eyes. Alexander cleared his throat quietly before speaking, "It was a nightmare. I get them all the damn time."

Thomas looked at him properly now, moving his arm to wrap around Alexander, pulling him closer. "Yeah?" he asked, and got a nod in response. "I do, too."

Alexander looked up, shocked at this new information. Thomas spoke again. "Not all the time, but every now and then. It's getting better, though. Just... I'm terrified, you know? Of-" he paused, shuffling to get more comfortable as he thought of the correct words, "I'm terrified of it happening again. Losing him was the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. Accepting that he was gone was the worst. I can't do it again. I'm-I'm scared that no one will stick around."

Alexander sat up a little more, his chin resting on Thomas' shoulder now. "I kind of know how you feel. I mean, I don't really have anyone to lose. I'm more terrified of sleeping. Being vulnerable to it all- the images and my own thoughts. Losing them was the most difficult thing for me, too. So I know how you feel, to an extent."

Thomas' eyes were locked onto Alexander's, and he was frowning. He nodded softly. "You have me. But, I guess I'm glad we're in the same boat. I just wish we weren't in this boat at all."

Alexander nodded, letting an arm loosely wrap around Thomas' stomach. He told himself it was just more comfortable that way, so he allowed himself to do so. He watched the way Thomas' eyes flickered and watched the arm settle, before he swallowed thickly, looking back up at Alexander.

They stayed this way, Alexander watching Thomas and Thomas watching him. The way he blinked slowly and tiredly, feeling the relaxing feeling of Thomas' shoulders rising and falling with each breath, lifting Alex as he did so, too. Watching the way the television colours reflected against Thomas' smooth skin, making him glow beautifully. He was truly an attractive man, if not the most attractive man Alexander had ever seen.

"Your nose is cute." Thomas said quietly, and he smiled softly when Alexander's cheeks reddened.

"Shut up", Alex huffed, chuckling quietly. He felt Thomas' free arm lift, and a gentle fingertip found its way beneath Alexander's chin, tilting it upwards so that he and Thomas were more levelled.

Alexander's eyes found Thomas' once more, and they watched each other for several moments, trying to read each others thoughts. "Is it okay..?" Thomas trailed off, but Alexander knew what he was trying to ask. He nodded; there was nothing more he wanted in that moment.

They leaned in slowly, their noses bumping against each others gently for a second. Thomas let out a small laugh at the action, and Alexander smiled at the sound. He closed his eyes, closing the space between them and pressing their lips together.


	4. Chapter 4

It was 11 am when Alexander woke up; enveloped in the arms of Thomas. Thomas was still asleep, but his hold on Alex was still tight. It made Alexander feel warm all over, and safe. He lifted his head from Thomas' chest, watching him for a moment as his stomach began to stir with an array of emotions. Admiration, fondness, and guilt stood out in particular. The first two because look at this damn man. It was impossible to not look and speak to this person and dislike him, even in such a short amount of time of knowing him, Alexander felt drawn to him. The second, because all of that felt wrong. It felt wrong to be in the arms of anyone besides his late wife. He hadn't been held since she had passed, and as amazing as it felt, it didn't sit correctly with him. The kiss that they had shared, as tender and sweet as it was, and as amazing as it felt and how right it felt, was still wrong at the same time. The wedding ring on his finger judged him harshly, and he felt disgusted with himself. He felt as though he was betraying Eliza.

He glanced quietly down at the ring still wrapped around his finger, frowning. Before he could get too lost in any negative thoughts, Thomas began to stir. Alexander was still, his hands on Thomas' chest as he just watched him, unsure of how Thomas would react to their intimate position. When Thomas opened his eyes he smiled slightly at the small man in his arms.

"It's creepy to stare at someone when they're sleeping, Alexander", he said quietly, his voice slow and hoarse from sleep. Alexander's cheeks reddened and he smirked.

"You wish I was. I was just making sure you weren't dead." he murmured, causing the pair of them to share a quiet laugh. Thomas sat up, yawning softly, his arms still wrapped around Alexander.

"You look better now", Thomas hummed, dragging a finger lazily across Alexander's cheekbone. Alexander cleared his throat, smiling slightly.

"I feel better." he said softly in response, and although his gut told him to get out of the arms that held him, he couldn't bring himself to do it. "Thank you for coming round here. You didn't have to do that. I don't really know what came over me, usually I just... deal with it somehow, I don't call anyone and disturb their sleep. I'm sorry."

Thomas frowned before he waved a hand in dismissal, "No, don't apologise. Alex, if it was a problem, I'd tell you. But this is not a problem. I'm glad you called me."

Alexander couldn't stop the smile playing on his lips, his tone suggesting that Thomas was crazy, "You're _glad?"_

He got a soft nod in response before Thomas returned the smile, "I'm glad. I needed this, too." Alexander furrowed his brows in question, and Thomas only shrugged, "Like I said, I get the bad dreams, too. You didn't wake me last night. It was good to hear your voice. To see you, and all."

Alexander sat up properly, watching Thomas quietly. "What do you dream about?" he felt himself asking the question before he had the chance to stop himself, and for a second or two, Thomas' expression changed. It wasn't easy to read, but Alexander knew that he was thinking.

"James. My parents. Old friends." Thomas said plainly, his eyes refusing to meet Alexander's own.

Alexander didn't say anything, hoping Thomas would maybe give him a little more information than just that. Thomas knew this by the silence, and his eyes flickered back to Alexander's face, scanning it for a moment. He looked as though he were debating whether he should open up or not, and Alex stayed quiet patiently.

"James was the only person who actually stuck around- until he didn't. I came out when I was 18 and my parents kicked me out. They thought I was a disgrace. My friends then decided they didn't want anything to do with me, everyone did except for James. James never cared. Hell, I don't think he liked women either, but I don't think he took a particular interest in men, in all honesty. Point is, everyone leaves at some point. It terrifies me, Alexander. In the dreams, it's always reliving those moments that everyone decided they had had enough of me. The moments I realised I wasn't good enough. And the moments that I realised James had left me too, that he wasn't coming back. Those are the worst." Thomas closed his eyes, his jaw tense. He looked as though he were holding back, but Alexander wasn't sure what it was. His tone was lacking. Usually, he spoke with a slow drawl or a purr, a constant tone that said just how important he was. He would speak as though everything he said meant something crucial, but now, it was plain and restricted.

Alexander found himself taking one of Thomas' hands, and Thomas opened his eyes. He looked down at their hands, then at Alexander. "I'm sorry", Alexander barely caught the words that came from Thomas' lips, they were too small. It was completely out of character. Shaky and quiet, barely even a whisper. Alexander's stomach sank. 

He felt himself frown, squeezing Thomas' large hand in his own. It was hard, as his hand barely wrapped around Thomas' fully, but the gesture was there. It seemed that Thomas realised this too, as his eyes flickered to their hands and the corners of his lips twitched into a smile.

Before Thomas could brush off the moment and pretend that he didn't say a word, Alexander spoke, "You're too good for people like that, Thomas." Thomas' eyes fluttered shut at those words, it was obvious he didn't believe Alexander. Alexander continued, "I'm not just saying that, I mean it. I'm not a liar. You deserve more than what they gave you."

Thomas swallowed thickly and his face seemed to scrunch up a little. He moved to sit up properly. He pulled his hand back from Alexander's, scooting to sit a little further away from the man. Alexander watched as Thomas buried his face into his hands. He watched the way Thomas began to pull at his own hair, and he heard the little gasp he took and the shaky breath he released as tears began to spill, all whilst having some sort of inner argument with himself. Alex figured that Thomas was reminding himself of the times people had left him before; that Alexander would be no different. He wasn't good enough.

"Hey. Look at me, Thomas", he said quickly, his brows knitting together. Slowly, Thomas looked up. Thomas' brows were drawn together too, and his cheeks were wet with tears. Alexander had never seen anyone look so damn sad in his life. He looked like a kicked puppy. "You've got me, now. I'm sorry to break it to you, but even if you want me gone, I won't go. I want to stay."

Thomas' brows lifted the slightest bit, looking rather pleased with Alexander's decision. He watched Alexander for a moment, eyes calculating. Alexander knew he was trying to figure out whether Alex was being honest, and after a long moments pause, he lifted a hand to take Thomas' own once more, pulling it to himself and squeezing it. He used two hands to give it a good squeeze, and Thomas huffed a little laugh at the fact he had used two tiny hands.

In an instant, Thomas' lips were on Alexander's again, and Alexander didn't have to even think about kissing him back, because he did it automatically. It felt right, and he wasn't going to stop it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry its been a few days since updating this. i wanted to post daily chapters but that idea was quickly shut down. thanks for reading though


	5. Chapter 5

Alex wasn't so sure how it had happened, but he and Thomas had spent the entire day together on the couch. A day of doing nothing in his home would usually be torturous and would pass painfully slowly, but somehow the time flew by and he forgot about almost everything besides the company with him. Before he knew it, it was dark outside, and he was yawning.

"No wonder you're so skinny, do you live off... whatever the hell _this_ is every day?" Thomas asked, shaking his head in disapproval as he held up a few tins of soup and other tinned goods.

Alexander typically did live off soups and sandwiches, whatever quick and easy food he could get when he was bothered. He just shrugged in response, "Sorry, were you expecting gourmet cuisines?"

Thomas rolled his eyes as he rooted the refrigerator for any decent foods he could salvage. To no surprise, there was milk, butter, and some sandwich filling items. "The fuck is wrong with-" he sighed before pulling out his phone, giving up on raiding Alexander's sparse kitchen.

"What are you doing now?" Alex asked, smirking slightly in amusement. He pulled himself up to sit atop the counter, folding his arms.

"I'm ordering Chinese. Sorry, but I do not condone this lifestyle and neither will I tolerate you living by it." He held a finger up, indicating for Alexander to remain silent for a moment. His tongue poked out slightly as he concentrated on his phone, and it only made Alexander grin, laughing quietly. "Do you like sweet and sour chicken?"

Alexander rose a brow, watching Thomas with an uncertain pout on his lips, "Never had it."

Thomas blinked, jaw dropping open for a moment. "You- what? How have you never had that? It's probably one of the most popular orders."

Alexander chewed on his lip for a moment with a shrug, "I rarely eat out. I guess I've just never bothered to try many new things."

Thomas mumbled something under his breath, but Alexander didn't quite catch it. Instead, he chuckled as Thomas pressed a few more buttons. It was a few moments later that he paid his attention back to Alexander, setting his phone down on the counter. "You make me sick, sometimes. Chinese will be here in twenty minutes. I have to ask, do you have plates? Do you know what they are, by chance?"

Alexander laughed softly, hopping down from the counter before pulling a cupboard drawer open to reveal many plates and bowls. "Asshole, obviously I have plates. I'm not a caveman."

"You eat like one." Thomas mumbled as he grabbed two plates from the cupboard, smiling as Alexander closed it after him.

"Yeah, because cavemen ate tinned bolognese all the time. Actually, that's exactly what they're known for, I'm glad you're so well educated, Thomas" Alexander mumbled, gathering cutlery and setting them beside the plates Thomas had gotten. "At least I don't dress like one."

Thomas looked offended, lightly punching Alexander on the arm before he let his grin show. "Shut up, I always look cute. You're just jealous because I could pull anything off, I don't even have to try."

"Right, do you ever stop being a pain in the ass?" he hummed, smirking slightly. Alexander saw the flash of hurt in Thomas' eyes, and the way Thomas seemed to mentally reassure himself that it was only a joke. "You do look good. All the time." he admitted quietly, looking down briefly at the cutlery in front of him. When he looked up again, the corners of Thomas' lips were twitched up into a smile.

"I knew I was right." he purred, and Alexander laughed, shaking his head softly. He was right, but Alexander couldn't continue to feed his already phenomenally large ego like this. On a more serious level though, Alexander wanted to. The ego wasn't delusional, but it also wasn't entirely there.

Alexander was getting the feeling that, a lot of the time, it was an act that Thomas put on. The confidence and the narcissism, Alexander wasn't too convinced. It was the frowns and the hurt that would play on Thomas' face, the obvious need for reassurance that Thomas tried to mask. It was all stuff that Alexander would happily give him, because as far as he was concerned, Thomas deserved it all.

When the Chinese arrived, the two were sat back on the couch once more, legs kicked up on the coffee table. Again, they watched crappy television and now Alexander was getting too into it, too.

"Holy shit that's good", Alexander had half moaned out the words as he took his first bite of the take out meal in his lap, and Thomas' head nodded frantically in agreement.

"It is, right? It tastes like heaven. Maybe that's what heaven is. If so, James is having the worst time, he hated sweet and sour." Thomas spoke between mouthfuls, before he snorted a little laugh. There was a look of sentiment on his face, and Alexander had to laugh too.

"Really? Man, I'll eat it for him when I get up there. I'll eat enough for you too, because you're probably going to hell where they have tinned soup everywhere. Good luck, man." Alexander grinned, glancing up at Thomas, who was grinning too, now. Thomas gave a soft laugh as he ate, shaking his head at Alexander's words.

"No, if anyone's going to hell it's you. You've only just tried sweet and sour for the first time, your whole life has been a sinful lie." Thomas added smugly, setting the plate down on the coffee table as he finished up his food.

Alexander whined in protest, but he was too interested in the noodles on his plate to argue with that. He wasn't fully in disagreement, anyway. Once he was finished, he set his plate down too and scooted a little closer to Thomas on the couch. He draped his legs over Thomas' lap and Thomas didn't bat an eyelid as he laid his arms over them. It was as though it was completely normal for them to act this way, and for some reason, Alexander wasn't uncomfortable by their ability to be so close. He wasn't uncomfortable at the fact that they had kissed each other, or held hands so casually. It was nice, as much as it made him feel sick with guilt. The most he could do was push the bad feelings down until Thomas was gone.

"It's ten already. I should head home." Thomas hummed after a while, and when Alexander glanced outside he realised it was pitch black out. He frowned, but wiped it off his face by the time he brought his eyes back to Thomas. Thomas made no movement, though, running his thumb gently over Alexander's clothed knee. Alexander watched the actions for a second, feeling himself smile at the small yet lovely gesture. 

"You could stay here, if you want?" he asked quietly, shrugging his shoulders. "I'll have the couch, you can have the bed." 

Thomas thought for a moment, his cheeks reddening. He slowly smiled, and Alexander's world completely stopped at the way he did so. He looked so soft in the lighting, his skin shone beautifully, perfect shadows casting over his cheeks. His eyes were bright, despite the dark surroundings, and they looked so gentle as they watched Alexander. His smile topped it all off. It was real, and Thomas looked even more attractive when he was smiling. How he did it, Alexander wasn't sure. 

"Are you sure?" he asked quietly, not wanting to disturb the peaceful moment that had fallen between the two. Alexander didn't want to disturb it either, so instead of answering verbally, he nodded his head, reaching over and placing his hand on top of Thomas'. Thomas turned his hand and caught Alexander's in his palm, now brushing his thumb over it slowly and carefully. "Thank you." he whispered.

Alexander let out a small chuckle, lacing their fingers through one another. "Don't need to thank me. Anytime." 

Thomas brought Alexander's hand up to his lips, his eyes lingering on the ring for a moment. Alexander's eyes did too, but when Thomas' lips pressed softly against his knuckles, his eyes flickered back to Thomas and his actions. His chest felt hot, in the best way. He smiled wide with crinkles at the ends of his eyes. Thomas returned the smile before they stood, and Alexander walked Thomas to the bedroom. 

Alexander barely spared the inside of the room a glance. He didn't want to look at it. He didn't want to look at Eliza's empty side of the bed or her book that decorated the nightstand, a bookmark inside indicating that she hadn't gotten to finish the read. He didn't want to see Thomas in her place or his, and he didn't want to think about how Eliza would feel about it all, or how Philip would feel at this stranger taking up spaces in their home. 

"Alexander?" Thomas' voice was soft and quiet, but enough to make Alexander jump. He pulled himself out of his thoughts, looking up at Thomas instead. "Are you sure this is okay? Because I don't mind sleeping elsewhere. Hell, the floor would do."

Alexander laughed it off quickly, "everything's fine. I'm sure it's okay. Nothing's wrong." he lied, before turning away to leave Thomas to it, "I'll be on the couch if you need anything. Goodnight, Thomas." 

Thomas smiled softly, but Alexander could tell he wasn't convinced by Alexander's words. He was grateful that he didn't pry though, instead nodding softly, "Goodnight." 

With that, Alexander returned to the living room, where he sat on the couch with the blanket around his shoulders. He didn't want to sleep, though. So, he stayed up instead. 


	6. Chapter 6

It was one in the morning, and so far, Alexander had managed to stay up just fine, until now. Now, he couldn't stop himself from drifting off as hard as he tried. It had been three times that he had jolted himself awake before he fell asleep, and he gave a little grumble of annoyance as he pulled the blanket tighter around him. Really, he felt that staying awake wasn't too hard to ask for. He didn't hear the bedroom door click open and close, but he heard the faint shuffling of footsteps. They were very light, and Alexander froze up when he registered the sound. For a moment, his heart began to race, as he thought he had accidentally fallen asleep and he could hear Phillip approach him. His stomach sank with dread for the memories and the guilt that was about to come, and he clenched his fists tightly in hopes of pushing it all away. He squeezed his eyes shut and sucked in a deep breath, but when he heard the voice of said footsteps, he relaxed. Slowly, he opened his eyes to peer into the dark.

"Alexander?" Thomas whispered, his voice oddly high. Alexander furrowed his brows and turned around to face Thomas, who was visibly shaking in the dark.

"Thomas? Are you alright?" he asked, standing up and letting the abandoned blanket fall onto the couch. Thomas shook his head in response and Alexander barely made it out in the dark, but he did. "Bad dream?" this time he got a nod.

Alexander considered what to do for a second; when it came to comforting other people, he wasn't good at it. He never knew what to say or do, but Thomas had helped him so much, and the least he could do was try his hardest even if it wasn't much use. Thomas was still, his eyes keen on watching Alexander. Alex felt a little pressured by the stare, but he soon picked up the blanket and stepped over to Thomas, reaching up and draping it around his shoulders. "You're safe now." he said quietly, and Thomas took a deep breath.

Thomas remained still, as though he were frozen where he stood. He was shaking less as he watched Alexander, his expression plain and unreadable. Alexander thought that if he didn't know what was going on, this all would have been rather creepy, being stared at so blankly by someone so tall. He reached under the blanket and took Thomas' hand, pulling him to the couch. Thomas sat down, but he didn't relax into the furniture. He sat up straight, looking down at his hands that rested on his knees.

"Want to talk about it?" Alex hummed softly, furrowing his brows a little as he tried desperately to read Thomas' stubborn expression. He carded a finger through his curls, tucking what he could behind his ear. He smiled as it fell back down with a bounce. It was terribly unruly.

Thomas made a sound that resembled a whimper, shaking his head slowly. His eyes closed slowly when he felt the hand in his hair, and he gave a shaky sigh before speaking again. "Not yet."

"That's okay." Alexander said softly, a gentle smile evident in his voice. He let his hand fall to Thomas' shoulder, and he began to rub soothing circles into the firm skin there. Thomas' eyes closed once more, and he muttered a small 'thank you', before he fell forward so that he could rest his elbows on his knees. Alexander spoke again, as softly as he could, "I'll be back in a sec"

Before Alexander could get up and leave Thomas' side, a panicked hand grasped at his wrist. He jumped, but looked at Thomas calmly. Thomas' eyes looked desperate and pleading, his grip tight on Alexander. "Don't leave. Please."

Alexander felt as though his heart was about to shatter, and he gave Thomas a reassuring look as he gently pried the hand from his wrist and gave it a small squeeze. "I'm not leaving you, I swear. I was going to get you some water. Is that okay?"

Thomas released a deep breath he had been holding in relief, and he pulled his hand back slowly, clutching it to his chest. In an instant, the panic and desperation died into shame. He looked deeply embarrassed by his own actions. "Sorry, yeah. That's fine."

When Alexander didn't know what to say, he left to get the glass of water. He wanted to assure Thomas that there was nothing to look so ashamed of, that he didn't need to worry about anything with Alexander, but he couldn't find the words. Words were his greatest strength and also his greatest weakness. He made his living and name through the strength of his writings, but when it was a personal matter, it was not easy. When he was trying to tell someone something, like telling his old therapist his story, or telling his late wife how grateful he was, or reminding Thomas of his worth, a piece of him that was stubborn and defensive refused to. It was as though he was not able to reach that personal level so easily because he was afraid of repercussions and looking weak. Vulnerability was a fear of his that he refused to outwardly acknowledge.

Alexander returned with the glass of water and Thomas was now sitting cross legged on the couch. Alexander joined him there, setting the glass gently into his hand. "Thank you, Alex." Thomas said softly, taking a small sip.

"No need to thank me. You did the same- if not more, for me yesterday." Alexander pointed out with a smile, and Thomas glanced over at him, watching him for a second or two before smiling. The smile didn't quite reach his eyes, but Alexander didn't dwell on that.

When Thomas was finished with the water he set it down, turning slightly to face Alexander. They stayed quiet as they watched each other calmly, and Thomas looked more like himself now. His brows were still lifted in a way that made him look like an incredibly sad puppy, his eyes were exhausted. Mentally and physically, he was exhausted and drained, and all Alexander could do was watch. Without thinking, their fingers found one another, lacing through each others slowly. It was an action that seemed to speak words and Thomas relaxed into the couch now.

"You're going to think I'm ridiculous, but this dream felt real", Thomas started, chewing his lip slowly as he looked down at their hands, "It was just you and me, and at first, things were fine. But then you started telling me that I'm not enough. That I'm not good enough, and I'm a burden. The list goes on, you had a lot to say. And then you left. You didn't come back."

Alexander was thoughtful. He didn't know what to say or do, and he frowned in deep thought before he spoke up, "Thomas, first off, that's not ridiculous. Secondly, that's _not_ going to happen." He said firmly, scooting a little closer on the couch. Thomas brought his eyes back to Alexander's and he looked utterly unconvinced, "I mean it. We've not known each other long, right? But you've seen things about me that few people know- people I've known since I came to America. You're not just anyone, you're not replaceable. I don't want to go anywhere, and I don't want you to either."

Thomas' expression was dark and solemn now, and he pulled his hands away from Alexander's. "You don't have to say anything to try to make me feel better, I don't need pity. You can leave whenever you like, Alex, I won't stop you."

"Well, I'm not. I'm not saying this because I pity you- because I don't. You realise we're going through similar things, right? Loss and grieving and nightmares? Stop thinking you're such a bother, you're not. I'm not planning on leaving, because for the first time in a very long time, I've managed to get through almost a whole weekend without drinking the pain away. It's because of you. You make me feel."

Thomas didn't speak, but when he looked back at Alexander, his expression was different. "You mean that..? All of it?"

"I fucking mean it. Every last syllable." Alexander's tone was final, and Thomas nodded slowly after a moment or two. He allowed Alexander to take his hands again and allowed him to shuffle closer. He closed his eyes as Alexander cupped his cheek, connecting their lips together in a slow kiss. It took a second before he kissed back, his own hands finding Alexander's waist. When they pulled away, Thomas didn't realise the smile dancing on his lips. He didn't realise until he was laughing as Alexander spoke once more, "You're not getting rid of me, ever. Good luck trying."

**Author's Note:**

> i recently made a tumblr, fuck knows how to use it though. was thinking of posting shorter pieces on there and such. it's honeybeelilac  
> idk
> 
> thank you for reading
> 
> also it isn't a one chapter thing but i don't know how to change the chapter number that it shows. sorry.
> 
> more importantly, i wanted to say that i'm sorry if anyone finds any aspects of this upsetting. i do not mean to upset anyone.  
> for me, writing helps. i like to think that these characters have some form of safety net or medical attention for their problems, but i do not have that, so for me, writing is my safety net. for me, writing is what gets me through my nightmares, panic attacks, and so on, so please don't think i'm trying to upset anyone. that's the last thing i want to do here.


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